Tuesday, June 30th: Post #8 - Nancy boy color

There it is on the right, the culprit. Diffuse Large B-cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, in all it's purple-laden pansy *ss terrorist form. It's amazing that dangerous and life threatening things can be made harmless by adding a little color. I'm pretty sure that the cells in my body aren't this particular shade of purple, but many of the images that pop up on the "DBCNHL" (shortcut) Google image search are purple or pink. I only got one image on the search that looked all brown and gross - I assume maybe the researchers saw it's true color and juiced it up with this nice shade of pansy just to make it more interesting in all of the medical journals. After all, isn't everything about ratings and circulation numbers?

So I sit here and think about what other kinds of things that are dangerous to humans but are instantly made 'harmless' by adding some purple....As many of you know, I love "The Google" and had some fun tonight scanning around the pile of useless data that is the Internet. Be patient, some of this is fact, some of this is random train of thought typing. If you don't like it, skip the entry, but it's my blog so I get to keep typing.

Here goes, "dangerous things that seem harmless when colored purple"

Item #1 - "Purple Nightshade"

"Purple Nightshade flowers are a blue purple and approximately an inch wide, and foliage is dark green. [2] It blooms in spring to early summer. The plant is poisonous to humans. Due to Purple Nightshade's poisonous nature, tomatoes (also a member of the Nightshade family) were thought to be as equally toxic by many Britons and North Americans as late as the early eighteenth century". source: Wikipedia

I know you're saying "OK Bill, get on with the funnies - I didn't waste 10 minutes of my life to go back to science class."

Item #2 - "Floyd the Muppet bass player"

Seriously, look at this character. Yes, he seems all warm and fuzzy, but in reality he is rotten to the core. Notice the unkempt eyebrows, the long 'handlebar' moustache, and the Sgt. Pepper jacket. This 'cool hep cat' is nothing more than your daughter's worst nightmare. OR, he could be that dude who lived on your dorm floor at a large mediocre public university and has 'access' to natural and artificial stimulant products.

We had one of those on my floor at good ole' Testicle Tech, but he was greeted one Saturday afternoon by about 8 of Muncie, Indiana's finest and a battering ram. Needless to say the last time we saw that guy he was being escorted out of the friendly confines of Schmidt Hall straight into the justice system of the great State of Indiana. Regardless of how you feel about drug dealers, when there's a dude selling cocaine 4 doors down, it gets a bit wierd.

Speaking of the use of 'medicinal' products for relief of chemotherapy - thank you to those of you who may have offered to 'put me in touch' with a source for natural 'relief', but no thank you. Unlike former President Clinton, I've never touched the stuff and don't intend to. I achieved my early 20's carefree experiences at a large Mediocre Midwestern Public University through the assistance of grain-based beverages and North Carolina tobacco.

Item #3 - "Barney the Dinosaur"

I don't care who you are, where you live, what religion you are, or how you vote - this freakin' dinosaur has ALWAYS been creepy. Come on, why in the heck do we need another large creepy foam animal to torment children, when those of us who grew up in the 1970's had a big effeminant yellow bird that is still capable of freaking children out across the world?

So now, in addition to the teletubbies, we have a large foam-clad human dancing around in circles with little children singing catchy little tunes. This is not good for the moral character of our nation, people. Imagine running into Barney on the weekends when he's out clubbing (see image).

There you have it, I'm declaring that the Baker house will forever be a Barney-free zone to mark my ultimate defeat of Cancer!

So there it is, watch out for the purple ones folks, 'cause they can be deadly if not caught in time.

Carpe Diem.

-Bill