Saturday, September 19, 2009

Saturday, September 19th: Do*chebags to the left of me, do*chebags to the right of me......

From our friends at the Wikipedia:

"Douchebag, or simply douche, is considered to be a pejorative term in North America, the United Kingdom and some other English speaking countries. In some English speaking countries the term is not well known. The slang usage of the term dates back to the 1960s. The term implies a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent. It is generally used for males only."

Don't you just love the internet? Where else could you get a definition for the do*chebag insult composed in such a manner that you could read it aloud in a High School english class? For my fellow Fighting Scot alums, just imagine this being read aloud in Mrs. Rhoads' class.

Through a series of events and emails, I've decided to take a markedly different approach to this version of the CCSI blog, focusing on the increasing number of annoying humans who are using valuable oxygen on this planet, and really aren't giving much benefit in return. As you recall from a few blog entries back, I feel that I've earned the perspective of life and the right to 'call it like I see it' and quit sugar coating exactly how I feel. So, in the spirit of my fellow moronic annoying humans, I'm calling out some of our fellow homosapiens on their true identities as do*chebags - so here they are:

Dude at Sam's #3 Diner who knocked out my crutch:

  • This week I had a business 'power breakfast' at downtown Denver's favorite diner, and was waiting for the other folks in the empty waiting area when this older guy (I'd say mid to late 50's) walks in after me, obviously looking for someone else. He was wearing a very expensive looking suit, and had a large bundle of legal files in his hand. Oh, and he had a 'fading-fast' combover to top the combo. So I'm standing there to the side by the cash register, leaning on my one crutch, and you know what this guy does? He freaking runs right into my crutch, knocks it aside, and just keeps walking. OK, you say, no big deal, right? I'm pretty tolerant and all, but this idiot just keeps walking through and doesn't even apologize, since whatever he's doing is much more important than the common courtesy his momma taught him as a kid. You know what I said? "Asshole", and with some volume as well. The counter lady with the big white fro got a good chuckle out of it. My only consolation is that I'm 100% sure that even as a pasty bald man I'm better looking than this idiot, who actually looked alot like this random internet photo you see to the right. DO*CHEBAG FACTOR: MODERATE. 80%

Governor Mark Sanford, South Carolina:

  • As a moderate/centrist leaning Republican (I'm one of the three left in the party) I've been pretty all-around disappointed with my party, and how they've taken some of the more moderate members (a.k.a. John McCain) and torqued them into southern-pleasing righties with no common sense as of late. So, you can only imagine my disgust when "Mr. family values" Sanford decides to go off and hike his own version of a Mountain Argentina. Seriously dude, what the !$#% is wrong with you? He has an intelligent, good looking wife, kids who aren't stupid, and a great job running one of the most bass-akwards states in the US, and he decides to take a mistress - IN SOUTH AMERICA? Come on man, you could have at least followed in the footsteps of your buddy up in New York and stayed closer to home. There are people who (illegally) provide those services for a nominal fee, Guv. DO*CHEBAG FACTOR: VERY HIGH. 95% (maybe his wife is mean, who knows? I'll give him 5% extra wiggle room on the d-bag scale)

Michael Jordan, Basketball HOF inductee
  • We all know MJ was probably the greatest basketball player of all time. I know it, you know it, God knows it, heck - I'll bet space aliens even know it. So it wasn't much of a surprise to any human when MJ was inducted into the Basketball HOF in Springfield Massachusetts (my Dad's hometown, by the way) this month. Other members of the class included David Robinson, Jerry Sloan, and Vivian Stringer - all of whom are class acts in their own right. So, when the king of basketball walks to the podium how do you think he accepts his honor? By making fun of others, and taking pot-shots at other players some 10-20 years after the 'incidents' occured on the basketball floor. Then, to top it all, he jokingly threatens everyone that he's going to play b/ball again at age 50? Really Mike? I'd LOVE to see your flabbly middle-aged *ss on the court for some one-on-one with LeBron James. Heck, I'd even put money that the King would wipe your smart-mouthed arrogant HUGE melon-headed self all the way back to the Tar Heel State. How disappointing, to have confirmed in front of the world that you're nothing but a bitter has-been. David Robinson and the others were ALL CLASS and deserved their honor. You're going to go down as a whiner. DO*CHEBAG FACTOR: MODERATE. 89%

Kanye West, self proclaimed King of Music and Judger of All
  • To think, I was getting ready to buy some of his music, and "Mr Cool" decides to embarrass a beloved teeny-bopper idol on national television. Believe me, I've heard both Taylor Swift's music and Beyonce's music and don't disagree that Beyonce probably has more talent and innovation in her right thumb than Ms. Swift does in her whole body - but seriously dude, who made you the music judge of the universe? The man has hundreds of millions, probably has all the immoral pleasures of Caligula at his beck and call, is considered one of the top music talents of a generation, and he has to go and get all 'critic righteous' on us? So, Beyonce didn't get an award - I'll bet she didn't really care - so Kanye, go find something to rap about and drop it, will you? DO*CHEBAG RATING: VERY HIGH. 97% Way to silence the moron, Jay Leno.

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House.
  • I tried as much as possible to limit this list to men only, but every action, word, and deed of this elected official who is third-in-line to the Presidency might as well be as annoying as running fingers down a chalk board. All of my PC friends may be offended that I put Rep. Pelosi on this list, but seriously folks, this woman is JUST AS BAD as Rush Limbaugh and will single handedly be responsible for the loss of one (or two) houses of Congress by the Democrats in the next election. Just about every Independent, Moderate, or Republican I know who voted for President Obama is annoyed by or detests her efforts, and her unwaivering commitment to partisanship. Seriously Ms. Pelosi, turn it down a notch - you need to turn down the San Francisco and turn up the Midwest. Let's just hope that the President can calm her down and let her know that she DOESN'T run the country before she makes the last 1/2 of his term nothing more than pure gridlock. Take a lesson from the late Sen. Kennedy, Speaker Pelosi and learn to reach across the aisle, regardless of how stupid it may seem over there. DO*CHEBAG RATING: MODERATELY HIGH. 91%
Rep. Joe Wilson, South Carolina
  • OK, this was easy, but come on man - you don't yell at the president and call him a "liar". EVERYONE in that joint session of Congress was a liar. You may not like his politics, many of you know I didn't vote for the President (I confess that I voted for the ORIGINAL John McCain, not the re-doctored version they tweaked for the campaign), but I still think Mr Obama is a family guy and a good man. Heck, compared to Mr. Sanford up above Obama's a freaking saint. So Mr. Wilson, I hope to heck you get your sorry *ss voted out of Congress to prove a point that CIVILITY IN PUBLIC DISCOURSE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PARTISAN RANCOR. It's about damn time that people on BOTH sides of the aisle quit yelling at each other that their ideas are '100% correct' and everyone else is wrong. If you're 100 percent sure that your ideas are perfect, than how come you're not in charge? If you think you're perfect, then guess what - you're probably not. After all, if I was perfect, my face would be in stained glass, on buildings, and in books all over the world. "Bakerism" as the 5th major world religion has a nice ring, doesn't it? So Rep Wilson, get a life and shut your pie hole - maybe you and Pelosi could take a long trip to a foreign country and NOT come back. DO*CHEBAG RATING: HIGH. 96%
So, I hope you weren't offended, O readers of the blog. But if you were - tough. Get over yourself, and go buy a snow cone. None of us or our ideas are really that important in the grand scheme of things. The snow cone will be good for you, I swear.

Oh, and by the way - watch out behind you, the do*chebags are everywhere....
Carpe diem.


  1. A-freakin-MEN, buddy!

  2. I have got to say I agree with them all...okay, well not so much with Nancy. I more irritated that she and Hilary wore the same outdated red power pantsuit to Obama's speech.

    You did leave off the guy who was caught bragging about sleeping with two lobbists.

    As far as crutchcrasher goes, you should have followed him to his table and accidently dropped your crutch on his head.

    There, I feel better now.

    Peace and continued prayers, Julie